


Even if I lost sanity

by prinz_charlie



Category: Jagged Little Pill - Morissette & Ballard/Morissette/Cody
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Other, TW: Misgendering, also: jo's mother is named angie because, and someone they can be vulnerable in front of, and someone to tell them that everything is going to be ok, entrance: frankie, jo is non-binary and i will die on that hill, jo really needs a hug, non-binary, non-binary!jo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-23 15:03:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23046808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: Jo can't stand it anymore; they can't stand living as someone they're not anymore, it hurts too much. They have to come out to their mother. So, they do...
Relationships: Jo/Frankie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Even if I lost sanity

**Author's Note:**

> tw: misgendering

Jo kneaded their hands. Their heartbeat increased at the sheer thought of what they were about to do, but they couldn’t stand it any longer. The daily remarks of how they’d never be the “perfect daughter” their mother wanted them to be dragged on their soul, made nights that usually were a time to calm down and catch a breath horribly draining. Images of what would happen if they had to stay closeted all their life flooded their brain, conjuring up demons that they didn’t know were hidden in their mind. They couldn’t stand it any longer.

Pulling their beanie further down as if to shield themself and pulling their jacket closer around themself, they got up; their legs were shaking just slightly. Enough to show that what they were about to do was scaring them. Trying to stop themself from kneading their hands Jo buried them in the pockets of their pants.

They were going to be good. “I’m going to be good”, they whispered to themself. Jo had never really thought much of silent encouragements. To them, they were nothing but miserable attempts of people trying to see reality through a veil that would keep them safe. They were nothing but a blatant lie. And yet, right now Jo relied on that lie. They had lied to their mother about who they were their whole life as if it would make a difference now.

“Hey, mom!”, Jo called, closing the door of their room behind themself and walking down the stairs. “Do you have a minute?”

“Don’t you have homework to do?”, their mother dismissed their question turning a page of their book. Jo didn’t even have to take a closer look to know that it was yet another novel about some guy who had found himself with the help of Jesus.

“Already got it done”, Jo mumbled. They took a step towards their mother and took a silent breath, before looking up at her again. “Can you please… I have to tell you something, I promise it won’t take long.”

Frowning Angie looked up from her book, pushing her glasses up her nose. Her hawk-like eyes went through Jo, making them shiver uncomfortably under her gaze. “Then hurry up. Elizabeth called because she wants us to meet up for coffee after church and I haven’t cooked dinner yet.”

“Ok”, Jo murmured. “Ok, good.” They crossed their arms in front of their chest, unaware of the shield they were building up in front of themself. “So, you know that I’m a lesbian.”

Angie raised an eyebrow. “Yes, I do. What about it, did you change your mind?”

“What? No!” Jo shook their head. “No, I still am.”

“Yes, you’re a girl who likes girls, it’s fine. Get to the point, Joanne.” Angie stood up, closing her book and crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Jo flinched. “That’s kind of already it. The girl-thing.”

Angie furrowed her eyebrows. “What?”

“You know…” God. They had practiced this so often already, lay awake all night trying to figure out the best way to tell their mom about it and explain the gender spectrum to her. And still their mind was blank right now. “Gender… it’s like a spectrum you know?”

“What are you trying to say, Joanne?”

“I…” Where had all the words gone? Jo’s heartbeat increased. “I don’t… Girl”, was all that they managed to get out before their voice gave up on them.

“I don’t have time for this”, Angie murmured, entering the kitchen.

Jo gathered their thoughts as they heard their mother sighing resignedly, pulling out a pot from one of the drawers in the kitchen and putting it on the hotplate. It took them a few seconds before going after her. “No, mom…” They took a breath. Not having to look their mother in the face was what made the whole thing just a hint easier, making the words roll off their tongue. “I’m non-binary.”

“Huh?” Their mother turned around, a frown building up on her face.

“Gender is like a spectrum”, Jo continued quickly, trying not to let their mother’s facial expression intimidate them. “There’s male and female. But there’s so much more to it. Like for example non-binary.”

“And what exactly is that?”, Angie asked with a skeptic eyebrow raise.

“It describes any gender identity outside of the male and female binary. You could say that people who are non-binary are just comfortable being humans if you will.” Jo took a breath. “And I am non-binary.” They buried their hands in the pockets of their pants again, looking at their mother with a weak and hopeful look.

Angie stopped opening the fridge halfway, closed it again and leaned against the counter. “So, _what_ are these people? _It_?”

“If you’re referring to their pronouns, most of them use they/them pronouns”, Jo explained quickly, not failing to notice the sour undertone in their mother’s voice. “So, instead of saying she or he, you say they.” Jo still didn’t look up from the floor.

“But that doesn’t make any sense”, Angie frowned. “It’s grammatically incorrect, Joanne. It doesn’t make sense. You were born female, so you are female. You’re a girl.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“I’m not”, Jo insisted. “I’m non-binary. I… Just thinking of being called a girl makes me sick. It doesn’t feel right. It’s not me.”

“So, you’re a boy?”

“No”, Jo said, their voice shaking a little. “I’m not. Because thinking of myself as a boy doesn’t feel right either. But thinking of myself as non-binary… It just fits, mom! It fits me more than anything has ever fitted me. Because it’s who I am!”

“You are not some trend you read about on the internet”, Angie said, her voice suddenly strict; her expression had changed to an annoyed – maybe even angry – one. “We talked about this Joanne; trends are poisonous. They’re harmful to teenagers.”

“I’m not following any trend, mom. I never have in the first place.” Jo backed away, looking at their mother now. What had gotten into her? “Can’t you try to understand?”

Angie looked them in the eyes for a few painful seconds before she shook her head. “No, Joanne. I can’t.”

“Can you at least call me Jo instead of Joanne?”, Jo asked, their voice wavering slightly as the shock of what their mother had just told them settled in. Again, their mother shook their head though. “Why?” When their mother didn’t respond they backed away even further, ready to run up to their room. “Why can’t you accept who I am?”, they added a little louder, their voice breaking immediately.

“Because this is not who you are, Joanne. Some made-up thing… I raised you like a girl. You _are_ a girl”, Angie said, emphasizing every single word of her last sentence. “Look, I understand that being a teenager is confusing. You’re confused, you don’t understand yourself yet. But eventually, you’re going to grow out of this phase.”

“I’m not”, Jo wanted to say. “I’m not! The more I think of myself as a girl, the less it fits. It’s not who I am! I just want to be my true self!” But not a single tone left their mouth. Instead, they looked their mother in the eye, seeing nothing but how sure their mother was of herself. In the next moment, they turned around on their heel and ran up to their room.

They ignored their mother sighing and saying something along the lines of “She’s crazy”; ignored the little painful twitch their heart did. They searched for their keys, their phone, crammed a shirt, a hoodie, some underwear, and a pair of pants into their backpack and looked around, trying to regain their breath. They needed to get out of here. Staying only a second longer would break them. Rushing down the stairs Jo pulled their beanie deeper into their face, so they could barely see anymore; their backpack lazily swinging to and fro from one of their shoulders.

Their mother peeked around the corner of the kitchen. “Where are you going?”

Jo stopped to look at her. “Well, since non-binary doesn’t exist in your mind, neither do I. So, don’t fucking bother.” With that they turned around again, bolting towards the door and opening it.

“Joanne! Language!”

“My fucking name is Jo!” With that they pulled the door shut behind themself and hurried towards their car, throwing themself behind the steering wheel. Their hands clung onto it; their breath wouldn’t calm down. _You are a girl._ Their mother’s words resounded in their head; hot tears burned in their eyes.

No.

They wouldn’t allow themself to cry. They had known that their mother reacting like this had been a possibility all along, crying now wasn’t of any use. It didn’t make sense…

Shaking their head as hard as they could they wiped at their cheeks, put the key in the lock and engaged first gear. In the next moment, they were speeding through the roads. Without their control, their feeling took them to the only place they wanted to be at right now. Jo barely noticed their phone vibrating in their pocket, driving through the streets in a daze, only focused on not causing an accident. Before they knew it, they pulled into the Healy’s driveway and got out of their car, shouldering their backpack. Frankie opened the door, frowning a little.

“Jo, what are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?”, they asked, not even paying attention to Frankie’s question and moving right past her, not waiting for an answer. They tried to catch their breath, as they looked at Frankie and motioned up the stairs. “Your room?”

“Joanne? Is that you?”, Jo heard MJ’s voice from the kitchen. “I didn’t know you and Frankie were meeting up to study!” Her voice came closer.

“It’s ok mom, we’ll be in my room!”, Frankie called back, eyeing Jo worriedly.

Jo couldn’t take it any longer. “Your room”, they choked out, turning around and hurrying upstairs.

Frankie followed them upstairs, quickly making up a lie about what kind of school project Jo and she had to work on and telling it to MJ. When she arrived, Jo was already sitting down on Frankie’s bed, their hands shaking even more now that they didn’t have anything to focus on. “What’s this about?”, Frankie asked closing the door and walking over to Jo to sit down next to them, eyeing their backpack. “Jo? What happened?”, she asked, concern swirling in her voice. 

“Came out to my mom”, Jo choked out, their eyes focused on the floor. “Tried to explain it to her - the non-binary thing. She didn’t understand.” Jo’s hands went back to kneading themselves. “Doesn’t want to understand”, they added looking up at Frankie. “Because _“It’s just a trend”_ and-and… _“I raised you like a girl”_ and _“You are a girl”_ and… Fuck.” Tears built up in their eyes again, this time bigger ones. Tears that carried so much more pain with themselves.

“Fuck, Jo, why didn’t you tell me that you were going to do it today?” Frankie instinctively scooted closer to Jo and put an arm around them.

Jo didn’t back away as they normally would have. “She-she doesn’t understand it. And she doesn’t accept it and-“ Their voice got caught in their throat.

“Calm down, Jo. It’s ok, I’ve got you.” Frankie pulled Jo a little closer, putting one of her hands on Jo’s. “You’re ok.”

“She doesn’t accept- I-I just don’t get it? How is she chill with me being gay but not with-with… She said that it’s not even real. That it’s made up and that I'm just confused and that it’s a phase I’ll eventually grow out of…” Their voice got caught in their throat again.

“She’s wrong”, Frankie stated firmly. “You know that she’s wrong. She’ll come around eventually…”

Jo turned their head so they were looking straight into Frankie’s eyes that were slowly vanishing behind a curtain of tears. “But what if she doesn’t?”, they whispered.

Frankie bit her lip. “Then you’ve got me”, she said, letting go of Jo’s hands and cupping one of their cheeks, wiping away a tear with her thumb. Jo looked at her for a few more seconds; getting pulled into a tornado of thoughts and fears and hopelessness. More tears rolled down their cheeks. In the next moment, they collapsed into Frankie’s arms, sobbing vigorously, holding onto her shirt for support. Wordlessly Frankie pulled Jo closer and closed her arms around them. “You’re ok.”

More tears welled up in Jo’s eyes. It would take long for them to dry up. “Can I spend the night here?”, they choked out. “Please, I can’t go back there. Not today. I- Just thinking of her makes me sick, she’ll try to talk me out of it and…”

“Of course, you can”, Frankie cut them off softly, letting a hand run over Jo's beanie. "Of course."

Jo didn’t even have the energy to answer anymore. Instead, they pulled themself closer to Frankie, allowing themself to cry for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> jo is non-binary and i will die on that hill, thanks for coming to my ted talk. apart from that: this was my first jlp fic, so tysm for reading!! i'll read you next time!
> 
> hmu on tumblr (@ haveuseenmylife) or twitter (@daltezing) if you want to!


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